How bad does it have to hurt to count?!
Does it have to hurt at all?!
I’ll come back if you put me down two times!
You try hard to make me yours!
But once you get me I get bored!
I’ll come back if you put me down two times!
Aaaah mate, buddy, pal, 朋友, amicus, amiga! You might have dropped a pretty massive 24 places since I was charmed enough to name you the second best album of 2023, but – bah Gahd! – can you still ignite those cursed feels when you feel in the mood??
OK, step back, hold it up now, back it up – beep beep beep – re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta…
I started this post days ago, and wrote that opening paragraph. I was all ready to name the second album by Sabrina Teitelbaum – the culturally important Jewish PAWG – as low as #26 on this list. Rationally, and thinking with that big dumb brain of mine, that always seemed about right: it’s a great, great, great, great great album, though it perhaps lacks the punch that naturally comes with a debut album and doesn’t really show any marked improvements or much in the way of evolution from the album that was named – ridiculously – as the 2nd best of 2023. When I was writing that intro though, I had ‘If You Asked for a Picture’ on in the background, and as each banger after banger after banger soundtracked my introduction, my beating, emotional heart started to overpower my stupid, rational brain (those two things aren’t usually connected, right?) and I thought… Fuck. I fucking adore this album! I look another look at my NE25 list and started thinking “Well it’s better than that… I definitely love it more than that… Fuck that record, right…?!” until Blondshell hit a point ten places up where my ecstatic and liberating heart simply couldn’t justify beating the brain down any further.
Because – fuck me dead and bury me pregnant – ‘If You Asked for a Picture’ is another absolute banging record. Again, it’s difficult to fully articulate my love for Blondshell using dumb old words that come from my creaking and inadequate brain. Sabrina Teitelbaum’s narration of the emotional turmoil of trying to adopt to the everchanging reality of adulthood in your 20s – which I still relate to because I am emotionally stunted – and also questions about what’s acceptable in a relationship which I’m sure will resonate with people of any age and of any gender. Is physical space and access to prescription drugs really enough to base a lifelong commitment on??
It’s nice that I got a couple things from you
A lot of wiggle room
With prescription Adderall…
I didn’t want indifference, I wanted a medal
It started with a choke, and you called me the kettle
For getting upset
And getting aggressive
But he was 28 and off of the handle
I was a kid wanting to cancel
Instead of unfolding
And bringing home a man
I mean… yes, in my opinion, but it’s still good to have these conversations.
And while it doesn’t take huge evolutionary jumps on from that incendiary debut, the songs on ‘Picture…’ are more complex and the accompaniment far more weighty. Songs often start off relatively simple and have more components added for it to burst into technicolour splendour by the end. These embellishments and additions may only move Blondshell from, like, 1992 to round 1994 or 5, but it’s still something.
But oh my fucking God these songs are so good!! I know I only love it because it panders so proficiently to the lizard part of my brain that will always be a young teenager in the 1990s, blissing out to Suede and Nirvana and Hole and Alanis Morrissette and Smashing Pumpkins and Blur. Blondshell just happens to be talented enough to shake that silly lizard so fucking well that I find her music absolutely com-fucking-pulsory. I might have to ban myself from listening to her next album.
OK, that was the fun part. Now the bad news:
Sabrina Teitelbaum might write some of the most relatable lyrics in rock music right now. But she is not like us. Her father is the CEO of NJOY a literal billion dollar company that makes fucking e-cigarettes (“The company’s early individual investors include Sean Parker, Peter Thiel, Douglas Teitelbaum and Bruno Mars“. That’s some strange company your Dad keeps). Her mother’s father is Randall Duncan “Randy” Smith, known as a pioneer of vulture capitalism with an estimated net worth of $1.79 million. Here’s an article from 2004 telling how some bankruptcy proceedings will be “earning billions for Mr. Teitelbaum and a group of investors”. Here’s a 2001 article explaining how Daddy Blondshell’s hedge fund was about to earn $15 billion in assets. It’s called ‘The Rich Get Richer Because They’re Smarter Than We Are’.
This doesn’t harm the sublime quality of Blondshell’s music, of course. Juts remember that if she called her Dad he could stop it all, yeah.
And with that in mind… Fuck it, I’m going to go there.
The Gaza genocide has been going on for more than two years now. Yeah, 12 months on, none of my articles last year made a difference, the illiterate philistines. As far as I can tell, Blondshell has never mentioned the genocide once. She’s never Tweeted the words ‘Israel’ or ‘Palestine’. I can’t find anything on her Instagram, or nothing in any interviews. In the r/blondshell subreddit, I don’t think those two words have even been mentioned in the comments! All I can find is that Blondshell supported Fontaines DC (should I listen to that band, by the BTW? They seem like quite a big deal) at Finsbury Park and someone waved a Palestine flag. Oh, and Kneecap were on the same bill and… didn’t slag her off, I guess?
I didn’t want to bring it up, because Sabrina Teitelbaum is Jewish and we should never conflate the slaughter of innocents currently being enacted by the state of Israel with the “Like, you know, whatever” religion/ethnicity of Judaism. But looking into Teitelbaum’s background and family, I think she needs to come forward just to confirm that her Dad isn’t planning to buy up Palestine’s shares in order to short them to another buyer, or maybe intends to distress the equity in order to sell off the assets.
Great music though.
2023 #2 (-14)
Fair, I guess. The users are obviously less fans of Vulture Capitalism though, and only rated it 69 (dude).
If she called her Dad he could stop it all, yeah.
Not boycotting Spotify. Her Dad probably owns a 12% stake.
Necessary Evil 
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