When am I gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise?
Teenage Dream
When am I gonna stop being a pretty young thing to guys?
When am I gonna stop being great for my age and just start being good?
When will it stop being cool to be quietly misunderstood?
OK, I’m going to suggest something pretty revolutionary now. No, way more revolutionary than just replacing capitalism with a socially owned system that benefits the working class through their ownership of the means of production. That’s nothing. That’s just, like, the base level sentiment that I hope is evident in every single thing I write. That’s not even revolutionary. It’s scientifically proven and inevitable. Join the Communist Party, you cowards.
So that’s all facts. #Facts, as the kids on X say. Formally known as the kids on Twitter. What I’m about to suggest? You freaks ain’t even gonna be able to see the box anymore considering how far out of it you’re about to be thinking. Stick this in your mind microwave and I promise you one thing: shit’s gonna melt. I’m suggesting that we sit back for a second and consider something far, far, far more mind-blowing and world changing than merely Marx’s recognition of the capitalistic mode of production and his employment of historical materialism:
What if Olivia Rodrigo is just really fucking good?
I know, I know, and I really am so very truly sorry. I’m supposed to be a writer and this is a piece on Olivia Rodrigo. Rodrigo’s a hot take and think piece content machine. What does their success mean for Generation Y? Or Generation Z? Can we remember which one’s which and is Rodrigo to blame for that confusion? They seem to be a young person, what does that tell us about her obviously heavily orchestrated success? Did they write the lyrics? OK, but did they write all the lyrics? What about the songs? They’re being exploited, right? Have they ever explicitly stated that they’re not Maoist? They were on Disney, are they part of Disney’s agenda to trans all of our kids? Have you noticed that they’re conventionally attractive? Do these folders of photos of her cleavage that I compiled last Saturday night in any way invalidate her art? No, no, I didn’t stay up all night Googling her, I got in bed by 4am.
Here’s the thing though: I did all that. My 2021 review of her inescapable debut basically ticked all of the journalistic boxes. I’ve done her entire significance and finished all the debates about her rise to success. It’s all done. Move along, journalists, watch out for the heat coming out of that oven because the ‘Rodrigo Issue’ is cooked. There’s nothing more to say!
…
OK, maybe a handful: I object to some freaks believing the Marxist or ‘leftist’ response to someone with Olivia’s privileges and petit-bourgeois upbringing, and with the unparalleled ruling class support of the Disney corporation since before she was even old enough to worry about the hairs on her anus becoming too noticeable, is to automatically reject their art. No. We want everyone to have the same opportunities as Rodrigo. Not nobody. The full title of the crucial 1847 Friedrich Engels work isn’t ‘The Principles of Communism: make everything shitter lol get recked‘. We don’t want nobody to be rich. We want everyone to be. This complaint would only be close to being valid if Rodrigo was a talentless hack getting to karaoke to the world on Daddy’s credit card. But they’re an extraordinarily talented artist getting to sing to the world on Daddy’s credit card. Imagine how many similar talents we’d be able to discover if everyone had these same opportunities?
There just isn’t anyone else making bubble gum punk pop as good as Olivia right now, and you don’t need to attach any caveats to that. I’m not sure that there are many better pop lyricists: Rodrigo is unlikely to write the 21st century Ifwhiteamericatoldthetruthforonedayit’sworldwouldfallapart on her third record – and why would they want to? – but their mastery of smart, pithy but anthemic and relatable teen angst is near peerless in 2023. I might have to accept the fact that Richey Edwards could never write a line as succinctly perfect as “Yes I know that he’s my ex but can’t two people reconnect?/I only see him as a friend: The biggest lie I ever said” or “I laughed at the wrong time, sat with the wrong guy/Searching ‘How to start a conversation?’ on a website” or “And I am built like a mother and a total machine/I feel for your every little issue, I know just what you mean”… Actually, that last one has BRE (‘Big Richey Energy’).
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, to be honest, she also knows how to cynically sequence an album. There are at least four songs on ‘GUTS’ that are so forgettable that on the sixty two thousandth listen to the record (and I’ve definitely done the research here) you’ll swear that you’ve never heard them before… but that confusion will be fleeting because the next song is guaranteed to be a motherfucking banger so you’ll forget how forgettable that song was. Really, if I loved up to my long established journalistic integrity I perhaps wouldn’t be gushing over an album where essentially every other song is incredible…
but…
Aw, you guys, those incredible songs are so incredible though!! And no, essentially nothing here is in any way new or progressive or experimental, but holy freaking shitballs, when it’s done this well there’s really no point complaining. It’s like pointing out that you’ve seen tsunamis before as you’re helplessly swept off your feet.
Necessary Evil 
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