Did you get that? ‘Flipping’, yeah? As in, the PG-friendly expression of mild annoyance you use when your whole body wants to say ‘fucking’ but you remember at the last minute that this is the only hour this month that the court says you’re allowed to talk to your three toddler aged children. But also, like, the review of the flipping flippy dippy wrestlers flipping themselves around? Yeah? Fucking genius. You bunch of cunts. No, please don’t take my kids away again, I promise I’ll behave!
Right no more bloviating this time. Quick recap of part 1:
[EDIT: I started writing this on Saturday the 2nd September. That night, or perhaps early Sunday morning, a new part to this story was added which is now going to require some furious editing:
Wish me luck]
Right, we’re all on the same page now.
CM Punk v Samoa Joe
So Punk turns up to London, there’s no taxi waiting for him so he takes the underground and asks people directions, he manages to make it to Wembley, sees Jack Perry make a mildly humorous reference to him in the match preceding his, chokes the bitch when Perry comes backstage, causes all hell, there is frenzied talk of a different match starting the show instead, Joe seems to calm everything down because ain’t nobody disagreeing with Samoa motherfucking Joe, then they just go out and have this match. A match of such quality that you can understand why Punk might have believed that he was always going to be a big enough deal, a great enough professional/fake wrestler, to pretty much get away with anything. He was wrong. His first AEW match was at All Out 2021, At All Out 2022 he scorched Earth while proving to Mindy’s Bakery that all publicity was good publicity, complaining that “I’m hurt, I’m old, I’m tired, and I work with fucking children”, his last match was at All In 2023, and he was fired the day before All Out 2023. It’s been quite a ride.
So this is now the man’s final AEW match. Very possibly his last wrestling match full stop (though don’t bet against him opening up a Spite Store, don’t even bet against said store being in WWE). And his final match may well have been pandering to people like me. Hell, this match may have just been crafted specifically for me and for me alone. But you know what that means? It means I freaking loved it. Pander to me, daddies!
The match was a classic of two wrestlers obviously no longer in their physical peak but both possessing amongst the finest wrestling minds of the 21st century. They’re both confident enough in their expertise and fucking good enough at what they do to realise that wonderful wrestling matches can be crafted with the minimum of exertion. They knew the crowd would be hanging onto every facial expression, swagger or wanker gesture. The two were confident enough between spots to just coolly play to the crowd’s responses. It also ensured the big moments felt even more impactful. Like Joe swinging Punk through the fucking announcers’ table.
The story was expertly told, of two veterans who knew so much about the other’s game that it was a subtle escalation of each wrester working out how to counteract the other’s aversion tactics. And it was also (prove me wrong?) by far the most heelish that Punk ever wrestled for AEW, which makes perfect sense, as it’s likely that no AEW wrestler ever has had this amount of fans booing them. To do the Cena five moves of doom followed by a Hogan leg drop in front of this crowd was like reading your favourite Mel Brooks jokes at a KKK rally. And for Joe to counter that with the famous Hogan “YOU!” Hulking Up comeback spot was… OK, dumb as a donkey’s dong, but again: I don’t care, I loved it. Punk was very considerately making sure 80’000 people booed him out of the company.
One superb example of both these core tenets of the match came during Joe’s beloved ‘nope’ spot. You know, I know it, we all know it – Joe calmly walks away from a flying attack, making the opponent look like a dumbarse and making Joe look like the coolest motherfucker on planet Earth. Because that’s exactly what he is. Listen, it doesn’t make sense written down, but it’s actually humanity’s greatest achievement, so get with it. However Punk, who has wrestled Joe for two decades, knows this and plans accordingly, catching Joe out, making him look like a dumbarse, and even breaking out a move you might not expect the angry ‘old man yells at crowd’ decrepit arse still to be able to do.
Amazing. He pulls it off, and grins in self-satisfied smugness at his own ingenuity, as every fan in the arena wants to kill him for taking away their fun. Punk knows that all 80’000 people want to see is Joe’s ‘nope’ spot performed in an actual stadium, and he knows that the biggest heel move he could do was show how well he’d learned from Joe over the years, not caring a jot for the crowd’s enjoyment. He’s very happy with himself for ruining everyone’s fun. This is wrestling (clap clap clap). Whatever your opinions on the man, you simply can’t tell me you’re not going to miss him just a little bit.
But then, fuck it, the match eats its cake as well when Joe manages to perform the spot seconds after when Punk isn’t expecting it. And then does a wanker gesture! This might be the best match on the card.
I’m going to get stuck on this match, I need to move on despite so many more things I could mention (quick shout out to Punk for paying tribute to Terry Funk with a spinning toe hold), and obviously one million takes on Punk’s exit that this post isn’t really for. TL:DR – this fucking ruled. I’m kinda problematically bummed that Punk’s gone. Can’t a wrestler this good be allowed to choke out one or two staff members every week or so?? Political Correctness gone mad.
Golden Elite (Kenny Omega, Hangman Adam Page, Kota Ibushi) vs Konosuke Takeshita, Jay White & Juice Robinson
Ooooooooooooooh, Kenny Omega…
Seriously though, can we think of one or two chants that aren’t to the tune of Seven Nation Army? I get it, we’ve rinsed Sloop John B so hard that it’s now a shivering husk, quivering naked on the bathroom floor after being abused for a couple of decades, but all I’m asking for is variety!
But having said that: Ooooooooooooooh, Kenny Omega, ammi right??
The crowd was here for Kenny, and the match absolutely played to it. The noted dog protector was barely out of the ring, and it was a lovely feeling to experience how well loved The Best Bark Machine truly is. Hey, AEW, did you ever notice this? Might have been a good idea to somehow capitalise on it. The central theme of the match was Omega versus the truly sensational Japanese Sensation Konosuke Takeshita (whom I was shocked to read is only 6″2, as the dude looks about eight foot when he stomps around that ring), ending with Takeshita getting a surprise roll up on Kenny to… sigh… set up the singles match at All Out the next Sunday… God damnit… That match is going to be awesome. When they first faced off in the ring together, Nigel McGuinness on commentary let slip that this was “Finally! The one on one match everyone wanted to see!”. Like… yeah… dude…
Let’s do a negativity dump real quick: the build to this match was a confusing mess. Yes, there’s of course the epic Omega v Don Callis feud. I get it. Callis sees Takeshita as his next Kenny, a younger, stronger wrestler who will earn him money for longer. This singles feud actually has a great build. But then suddenly The Bang Bang Gang (I am not calling them ‘Bullet Club Gold’ because that name is dumb as dogs cock) get involved?? Saying that they’re the real standard bearers of the old Bullet Club name (ask your parents, it was really cool thing in around 2017), not The Golden Elite. Y’know, The Golden Elite? That group that’s technically had one match in AEW? And is made up of members who have never once intonated that they give the shiniest of shits about the legacy Bullet Club? Listen, I get it, you have hundreds of TV hours to fill, and this would make a perfectly serviceable Dynamite main event, but Wembley Stadium?! Bruv?? Oh, and before we leave the negativity dump: I really wish they’d come out to Wayward son. Sorry.
OK, now the positives:
Pretty Much Everything Else.
I mean, people, please, just look at these participants. Kenny, yeah, sure, has a case to make as the greatest wrestler of all time, we didn’t get that singles match because there is no God but we got a lot of his majesty in this match. Hangman Adam Page is still the main protagonist of AEW, and (sorry, little negativity spilling out) it was a shame he got so little at All In in when next to The Church of Kenny Omega. Kota Ibushi? Ibushi is so obviously struggling, but the crowd loved him and it was lovely to see (the crowd didn’t seem interested in the Ibushi/Takeshita face off, but I popped!). Takeshita is a certified beast, and he could be an amazing Takeshi Morishima style heel is booked right. And it should start with a clean victory over Omega at All Out. The Bang Bang Gang? The Bang Bang Gang are my absolute lads, and are already one of AEW’s most effective stables. As soon as they stop calling themselves ‘Bullet Club Gold’. Seriously, lads? Bullet Club Gold?
It’s basically rescued the AEW career of Jay White, who was in danger of sliding into ‘meh’ or ‘mid’ or ‘mehmid’ territory so soon after a decidedly underwhelming AEW debut. And it basically rescued the career of Juice Robinson, whom most people had no idea was still on the roster, but has reinvented himself into… into… I dunno… a mentalist? Whatever, he’s frequently the most entertaining thing about any show he’s on, and as the ‘crazy person in the stable who can eat the pin if we need their team to lose’, few have ever done it better. And then there’s The Gunns, who are just brilliant nobheads. I will die on the hill that they should have never won the AEW tag titles, but as dumb Bang Bang Gang side bitches they’re wonderful.
The match would have been an amazing Dynamite main event. Is this score salty? Dunno mate, is your Mum salty? Fuck off…
FTR vs Young Bucks
Firstly, part of the build up to this match was that FTR resent being called FTR? It was thought up on the Young Bucks’ ‘Being the Elite’ YouTube show by “our friend Cody” in reference to Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler’s WWE tag team ‘The Revival’ and, ooooooooh, it’s just made them mad to this day?! Tiny issue, just annoyed me. Anyway, we all know what FTR really stands for:
This match was billed as face v face, and I had an issue with this that I know is simply a ‘me’ thing, that I previously alluded to: I don’t want to cheer for any of these guys. Both teams are technically face (or were at match start), but they both make so much more sense as heels. The Young Bucks are cocky, obnoxious turds, who you can just tell are into really dumb preteen art that they take very seriously. Matt Jackson would laugh in your face for a solid five minutes you couldn’t name the actor who played the Blue Ranger in ‘Power Rangers Ninja Storm‘. Then when you scream out that you don’t fucking care, Nick would reveal that – actually – there is no Blue Ranger in ‘Power Rangers Ninja Storm’! Then he’d laugh at you for another five minutes before telling you who played Tori Hanson, the Blue Wind Ranger (completely different character) and talk to you at length about the lore of the character and what action figures are the most valuable. They both still live in their Mum’s garage because “It just makes sense”, and neither of them have ever used a washing machine. They both use the word ‘ephebophilia‘ far too much. These are the facts.
And FTR?? Fucking hell, two sixty year old men who only ever want to talk about how purer the ‘sport’ (and they will call it a ‘sport’) was back in the days of the territories, and tell you how much a wrestler would have to work to get themselves over in 50th State Big Time Wrestling one night before flying over to Continental Championship Wrestling in Tennessee the next and working your gimmick all over again. If you get stuck with them in the pub all they’ll talk about is anecdotes about how Bob Geigel once tried to stiff Chief Don Eagle out of his cut of the gate by faking a smallpox seizure. Dax, mate, nobody fucking cares. The worst thing is these tedious old fools are actually younger than me. Yeah, I know, I’m as old as dust, but I’m not old enough to remember Ed ‘Strangler’ Lewis defeat Joe Stecher for the World Heavyweight Wrestling Championship. What’s that, Dax? You were in the crowd that day*?? Mate, it was 1920, your grandma hadn’t even been drunkenly conceived behind a hay bale at a Black Legion rally yet. Sorry, didn’t quite catch your response? Oh, of course “Bret Hart Bret Hart Bret Hart Bret Hart”, as always. You realise why Cash Wheeler whipped out his glock? Some poor kid called wrestling ‘fake’ and he was trying to “Protect the business”. This team formed in WWE. And these two are hardcore MAGA-coded, no?
(*also, can we get a quick fact check on Nigel McGuiness being in the crowd at Summerslam 92 while we’re here?)
So yeah, I never really felt the dynamic of this match. Watching it back now, it’s obvious that the Young Bucks are playing heel, though the crowd never really fully goes with them. This was exacerbated by FTR stealing the Young Bucks’ BTE finisher along with the kissing taunt, to furious boos. Like, boys, what are you doing?? Oh, oh, oh, and there’s also this really dumb spot where Dax pauses and smiles to himself, knowing that the Bucks are going to catch him in the Shatter Machine when he turns round, and then… turns round anyway?? They obviously thought it would make a legendary moment, but never paid any mind to the fact that it was dumb.
Right, those are all the reasons I didn’t give this match five stars.
Dudes, this match fucking ruled.
Dax Harwood – Mr Baldy Territories Podcast himself – was the absolute MVP, crafting exquisite sequences with both Bucks and working his little Try That in a Small Town singing bum off. In a match of incredibly talented wrestlers, he may have proven himself the apex. I’ve heard complaints that it perhaps went a little long, but I thought it never once dragged and, if anything, could have gone for far longer than its 21 minutes. It was paced beautifully and even the ‘slow’ spots contained such impressive technique that your eyes are always glued to it.
So, yeah, fuck all of these pricks*. But this was incredible. The armbands were cute as well.
(*the characters they play are pricks! Calm down! Apart from FTR, they’re both actually like that)
Stadium Stampede (Blackpool Combat Club, Santana & Ortiz vs Orange Cassidy, Best Friends, Penta El Zero Miedo & Eddie Kingston)
Best Friends you say? Chuck Taylor you say?
Firstly, I’m still not sure if I like Eddie Kingston. Sure, he’s spectacularly intense, he has an unmatched ability to make this fake bullshit seem real, he can emotionally invest a match and a feud like no other wrestler on the planet, but… I dunno… is he also a bit of a clown? Don’t you just get the impression he’s one of those people from New York who constantly talks about “Nobody does pizza like New York…”; “Nobody does bagels like New York…”; “Nobody does coffee like New York…”; “Nobody does Poutine* like New York…”; “Nobody does Bratwurst like New York…”? And then you finally ask him to give you a taste of this precious local food and he takes you to Domino’s. Guy wore a New York Jets jersey to his sister’s** wedding. Then got drunk after preloading on Jägerbombs at his cousin Micky’s apartment beforehand, and ended up punching the groom’s mother in the face. He considers himself a ‘POC‘ because he’s ‘Italian’. Again, these are all the facts.
(*seriously, have you ever tried Poutine? It might actually be the greatest food in the world, no wonder all those Canadians look so happy all the time as they ethnically cleanse their indigenous population: they’re keeping this magic secret from us!
**”She ain’t my real sister though just the daughter of the gal that Ma used to buy Pastrami from…”)
But I can’t deny that the big fat doofus is over as all hell. Having him win the World Title at some point isn’t an insane idea: even if his reign was just transitional, it would honestly be an historic pop and moment to rival Foley’s WWF win. Christ, do it in Madison Square Gardens! Can you imagine?! One step at a time though: put the fucker on TV and give him things to do!! He’s one of the most popular wrestlers they have, even when they try him out in front of 80’000 people. He could make a feud over a Japanese shampoo commercial feel like it was a blood feud between Shao Khan and Robo Hitler!
The other thing is…
…
…
…I kinda don’t like these kind of matches.
Stadium Stampede, Anarchy in the Arena, Media Scrums… Match types where there’s just so much going on, when the central theme is mayhem and how unstructured and chaotic everything is. Yeah, I kinda hate that. I really don’t react well to the intense overstimulation, which – I’ve just checked on TikTok – actually means I have ADHD. Or maybe Autism. Or Clinical depression. Or smallpox. Or AIDS. Whatever, I like my wrestling tight, structured, mostly centred around the ring, and without flashing lights or loud noises (that’s the AIDS, y’see). I didn’t connect with this match live, apart from maybe the morbid novelty of seeing this:
…in front of 80’000 people. My reaction to every other ‘chaotic’ match type like this has been the same: “Cool. Not for me. Why are you all bleeding so much?”. I sat down to watch the Wembley Stampede on the TV and expected my reaction to be the same.
This was the best Stadium Stampede/Anarchy in the Arena/Blading at the Catering match I’ve ever seen, and it’s one of the highlights of the show. It began by deftly poured its story (because there was a clear story that was tightly followed) far out all over one of the biggest arenas on the continent – though never neglecting to have constant carnage in the ring – until everything merged back in onto the ring like lungs slowly collapsing back in on themselves. It can be a bit overwhelming keeping up with all the Eddie Kingston Lore™ at times – he seems to be in decades long feuds with literally everyone. Probably all related to his sister’s* wedding – but here the narrative was clear: he hated Santana and Ortiz a bit; he especially hated Jon Moxley, but he especially hated Claudio Castagnoli. The way the big moments were first scattered all over the stadium, before finally compressing into the ring for a breathless final five minutes.
(*”Nah bro, she ain’t my real sister, y’know? Me and her Ma had a thing when we both worked the Cheesecake Factory back in 98, so we’re kinda family”**
**I swear to God, if any New Yorkers come into the comments talking about how – actually – there are no Cheesecake Factories in New York, I will fly a plane into another one of your shitty buildings)
As much as I’ve spoken about the Mad King Kingston (“She ain’t actually my sister, she’s my Ma’s sister’s daughter. We fooled around a lot at college. Funny story, she’s actually the first person I got gonorrhoea from”), but the absolute MVP of the Stadium Stampede match (and up their as the MVP of the whole event) was Orange Cassidy. His journey from a comedy character that never wrestled, to a comedy character that sometimes wrestled surprisingly well, to an amazing wrestler with a unique gimmick, to a wrestler able to singlehandedly cement the prestige of a previously pointless belt, too… future world champion…? After his promo on Dynamite, and his maturity into a mature, legitimate wrestler, I say “Abso-fucking-lutely”.
So why not four and a half stars. A bit of saltiness that we didn’t just get the Cassidy v Moxley match.
Oh! And remember when Penta disappeared, came back as ‘Penta El Scary’, or whatever, then fucked up a table spot?
Yeah, that
Hikaru Shida vs Dr. Britt Baker D.M.D vs Saraya vs Toni Storm
So AEW’s women’s division is an absolute fucking joke. Not because of the talent, I should make that clear – they have some of the greatest female wrestlers in the world, whether assigned female at birth or not – simply because the company places absolutely no importance on female wrestling. It’s a running joke that the company – now more than four years after the first event under the AEW banner – still never has more than one women’s division match on every show, and even then it’s so obvious that 90% of these matches are an attempted virtue signal only on the show because some weird hairy guy backstage has rolled his eyes and said “I suppose we’ll have to stick a women’s match on, or else you know that lot will complain…”. There is never more than one angle or storyline in the women’s division at any one time, so even if more wrestlers might make themselves impossible to ignore, they’re simply folded into that one storyline that they allow themselves to run rather than the company expanding the tiny bit of effort it would take to properly spotlight them (Willow Nightingale says hi). Dude! That might mean two women’s matches on a show! That’s so gay! I don’t know if this goes back to Tony Khan getting his major inspiration as a young fan at the incredibly influential but undeniably misogynistic ‘outlaw’ organisation ECW, but he obviously doesn’t see any point in women’s wrestling. Back when (terrible wrestler, amazing professional wrestler) Jade Cargill was wrestling, basically specialising in sub five minute squash matches, you might have got two women’s matches on a PPV, but now she’s on hiatus and people expect matches to be approaching a normal length? Yeah, you’re getting your one match again, like we did at All In London. AEW had the hutzpah to call back to the company’s ‘proud history’ of AEW women’s four ways, going back to the women’s match at the original four way at All Out 2018. When what that actually means is that back in 2018 they thought “Shit, we should probably have a women’s match, let’s just chuck four wrestlers together” and here they are five years later doing the exact same thing.
This isn’t a libbed up point about ‘representation for representation’s sake’: that would be the point if the AEW’s women’s roster was full of crap wrestlers only arguing to get on the card for diversity reasons. No, there are some outstanding women wrestlers at AEW, but because of their gender they just aren’t considered relevant. If Athena was a man, would her astonishing work on the (essentially third brand) Ring of Honor show be regarded with nothing approaching wider exposure? Honestly, one of the biggest pops at All In was when the camera revealed Mercedes Moné (FKA Sasha Banks) – one of the biggest names in professional wrestling of any gender (with a ready made following of creepy and delusional middle aged stans) – was also in attendance at the show. But I doubt if AEW would even know what to do with her now, nor if going to AEW would be in any way a good career choice for her, considering it seems the company doesn’t even understand how a female wrestler could be popular.
I just thought it’d be important to contextualise this next match, so that the absolute structural issues working against them means that the four wrestlers would have to work that little bit harder than wrestlers in every other match to make an impression.
Having said that…
…this match was a pretty great usage of the scant minutes that they were given. It wasn’t the greatest technical match you’ll ever see, but the four wrestlers really grew their characters into the cavernous arena, there were some great story beats, we had some good old fashioned pop farming, and it was as fun as all hell. The star of the match was Toni Storm, who had only recently introduced her new ingenious gimmick. On August 2nd she lost her AEW Women’s Championship to Shida, which set her off on a downward spiral where she would become a full on 1950’s ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane‘ bitter and sorrowful ex star, desperately clamouring for the fame and respect that she once had. It’s not explicitly said, but she obviously only finds the motivation to even get to the ring with gin and barbiturates (read between the lines, people). The whole concept is ridiculous, yes, but it’s also amazing. Welcome to professional wrestling. The turn has highlighted character and promo ability that has lain dormant inside Storm for a long time. And by showing how traumatic effect losing the title has had on her, and also being one of the few wrestlers building up the importance of the Wembley show as her obvious destiny to win the title back, Storm has singlehandedly improved the conception of herself as a wrestler, and shown how important the title belt should be considered, and built up the show itself, and made the whole women’s division feel that little bit more special! Incredible work. “Fair dinkums”, as her people would say.
And the bump Saraya’s mum (the original Sweet Saraya) took after Toni hit her?? That genetic carniness stays with you, obviously. Respect.
Saraya winning is fine, I guess. Like I said before, she probably deserves it based on her entire career. She surely won’t have a long reign – she’s retired through injury multiple times by this point and has only wrestled four singles matches in AEW – but it was an undeniably touching moment. The most popular wrestler in the stadium though – regardless of it being Saraya’s ‘hometown‘ – was still Britt Baker, who was in that four way at All In 2018.
Sting & Darby Allin vs Christian Cage & Swerve Strickland
It’s the party match!
A few fact’s about Sting:
- Guy’s 64 years old. I know, I generally give any slightly older person an exaggerated age in a ‘lol they so old’ kind of way, but Sting is legitimately 64 years old. That’s why I can instead state with scientific backing that: lol he so old.
- This was his nineteenth tag match in AEW. He’s been protected so well by the company that I don’t think I’ve ever once seen him embarrassingly botch a move, or just stumble as old people are wont to do, or do anything that makes the crowd cringe at the decrepit old man sadly failing to relive his youth. He’s been perfect in AEW: we don’t even know the stuff that he can’t do because he simply doesn’t try to do it.
- In this match Sting dived onto a table outside the ring twice, because it first didn’t break because it was apparently “Made of British steel”. I’m not even 40 and I’m still having to give my arms a rest today because I stirred some pasta last week. Shut up, Pot Noodles are still ‘pasta’.
- Bro, him changing his baseball bat for a cricket bat is cultural appropriation though, and honestly a bit problematic.
- However, legally in the woke ouroboros court of public opinion, you can actually counteract that by coming out to Metallica’s Seek and Destroy. What. A. Moment.
A few words on Swerve Strickland:
- He’s amazing
- I’d personally say that no other wrestler has seen their stock, importance, and general performance (or at least appreciation of that performance) raised more by a move to AEW than Swerve.
- The “SWERVE’S HOUSE!” crowd response may have been the biggest of the night.
- He has it in him to be a main event heel.
A few words on Darby Allin:
- Kid’s gonna give himself paraplegia. And I will be happily cheering for it when it finally happens
Christian doesn’t need any words at this point. He is, as Lev Vygotsky would say, goated with the sauce.
Yeah this match was fun.
Chris Jericho vs Will Osprey
Some quick build up moans, of which is now traditional: this also all started – obviously – with the epic Kenny Omega v Don Callis feud. This was the hottest feud in AEW, with Callis generating heat that it’s difficult to find comparable to in the company’s short history. Jericho, being fucking Jericho, thought to himself “I gotta get me some of that”. In story, Callis inexplicably next turned to Jericho, trying to convince him to join the Don Callis Family. Jericho seriously considered it, causing the break-up of his own group – The Jericho Appreciation Society* – as he considered ditching the lot of them for a quick personal gain. Finally, the moment came, and Jericho… accepted the offer, making it known how much he wished to join the heel faction. After hugging to celebrate the deal happening, Jericho asked what the painting was that Callis had brought on stage for the occasion (I swear to God, wrestling is so fucking dumb). Callis obviously didn’t want him to see it, but Jericho managed to reveal… a painting of Don Callis holding the disembodied head of Chris Jericho. Because, you see, Don Callis actually thought he would say no. So made a Spite Painting. The whole thing was… a trap…? To get Jericho to face his other client: Will ‘Maybe Best Wrestler in the World at the Moment But Also Absolutely Problematic, Bruv’ Osprey. Because Osprey hates Jericho calling himself the ‘GOAT’, or summink. I dunno. So because he’s kinda facing Don Callis, Jericho would be the face. After dumping all his friends to join Callis’s heel group. It is, to put it lightly, a clusterfuck.
(*In This House We Stan Daddy Magic)
Whatever, let’s just look at the actual match.
Or rather, before we look at the actual match, let’s take a look at Chris Jericho’s entrance. Yeah, he got his shitty band to perform his own theme song live, yeah it was obviously an ego boost of the highest quality, and yes he’s obviously a bit of a prick. But this is fucking professional/fake wrestling, we’re all essentially paying to watch the weirdest egomaniacs compete in a fake sport to see who has put their egos forward the most backstage. You think this is some sort of meritocracy?? Yes, Jericho’s singing was a bit rubbish, but that can probably be explained by the fact that he was trying to do so while walking up the entrance way to a wrestling match he was about to have. It was so rapturously received in the crowd that nobody could hear Jericho attempting to anyway. Nobody got hurt, a lot of people had fun, Jericho’s shitty band got a nice payday, it’s all good.
And the match was pretty great as well. There was some concern beforehand that AEW were expecting Jericho to be received as the face against essentially local boy Osprey, but if that was the case they definitely didn’t play the match that way: Jericho was full heel, middle fingers to the crowd and all. We joke about Jericho’s politicking, his Hogan like need to be at the centre of every big story, his probable Donald Trump support, but nobody can deny that he is an extremely good wrestler. Even now, at the age of 84 (see? That one was an exaggeration), while he’s obviously not going to match someone like Osprey move for move, he could absolutely hang here. Though there were a handful of moments that didn’t look smooth as eggs, Jericho was by no means being left behind by Osprey and if anything I felt the match only suffered because it could have had an extra 5-10 minutes (though of course a guy Jericho’s age really shouldn’t be detached from the IV for that long).
Marked down for saltiness? Mmmmmmmaybe. Listen, McGuiness (who had a stellar night on commentary otherwise) called it a ‘Dream Match’, and… I dunno… I know some people have some pretty weird fucking dreams, but this one? I’d imagine most people’s ‘dreams’ would involve perhaps the hottest and most talented wrestler in the world going up against a rival with whom he could legitimately craft a classic. Maybe most people dreamed that the Don Callis/Kenny Omega feud would actually involve Kenny Omega at Wembley?? But this was really, really good.
The Acclaimed vs The House of Black
Seriously though? It can’t just be me, right? Nobody gives the tiniest of shites about Billy Gunn. Is he really big among Zoomers or something? Are TNA’s The Beautiful People unexpectedly really popular on TikTok? Am I going mad? Billy Gunn? He tried to have his Cactus Jack “I think you know the guy…” moment by revealing he’d be fighting as ‘Badass’ Billy Gunn, but seriously, who even is the ‘Badass’ character?? Did he have any defining characteristics? Was he the one with the song about asses? Was he the version that WWF tried to push as a singles wrestler before realising that nobody cared about him and just let The Rock eat him alive? Can you name me one match that you can confidently say was fought by Bill Gunn under the ‘Badass’ persona? This guy thinks he was up there with HHH as central to the Attitude Era and AEW are encouraging him!
I felt like this was confirmed during this pretty drab match. Nobody really cares about Billy Gunn. But – as you might have heard -everyone loves The Acclaimed.
Or at least they love popping for the entrance, cheering the rap and chanting “Oooooooooooh , scissor me daddy” (really guys? Seven Nation Army again?). The actual match itself they don’t really care about. This was a tired, heatless match, ending with what I’d argue was a poor decision taking the titles off House of Black (who I hear are a far more over act with crowds at wrestling events) to put them on The Acclaimed for a cheap pop for Billy Gunn, who is apparently a wrestling legend on par with Terry Funk. Oh, and also to allow AEW’s merchandise machines The Acclaimed to roll out some more tat. It’s a shit business. At All In, Gunn was given the biggest spotlight in ring, whereupon he loudly extolled Julia Hart to ‘suck his cock’, before knocking her down before Anthony Bowens dropped a leg, in the words of Taz, “Right in the yambags” (that’s an American word meaning ‘minge’). So weird. What even was this?
MJF vs Adam Cole (bey bey)
The big one. A match built completely on AEW television, involving a champion that fought (and lost) the opening match on the original 2018 All In card. A match that felt big enough to headline Wembley Stadium based on the storyline magic of the wrestlers involved (and almost despite of a company whose booking instincts have somewhat betrayed them of late). I did get a bit in my feelings about the build-up and storyline to this match in my review of attending the show live – kinda forgetting what the post was for – but I’m sure the megafans will forgive me if I copy and paste echo a lot of the thoughts that I wrote then:
Despite the booking for the Wembley show that ran the gamut from ‘well meaning but slapdash’ to ‘plain ol’ stinky’, Maxwell Jacob Friedman and Adam Cole (bay bay) had created an incredibly engaging story that inspired audience investment like few others in recent years. It began with a feud that actually just gave us this match on free TV back in June, so the fact that around 10 weeks later 80’000 people were overjoyed to have paid tickets to see it live says a lot about the quality of storytelling and character that the two wrestlers crafted. Two rivals being forced to form a tag team is one of the most tired and groan inducing tropes in modern wrestling, but rather than boorishly questioned whether ‘they could co-exist??’, the two ended up becoming best friends (what scientists call ‘brochachos’) in a completely believable and emotionally affecting angle. They could co-exist just fine, thank you very much, now who’s up for some dodge ball? It even convinced all us idiot marks that the biggest and most detestable heel in modern wrestling had turned a corner, and just amplified how Adam Cole (bay bay) was maybe the world’s most likeable man. But it has to end, doesn’t it? Have you ever heard of wrestling before? One turns on the other, hearts are broken, boos are mixed with tears. When they announced that their tag team Batter Than You Baby would be fighting for the Ring of Honor tag titles in the Wembley pre-show as well as wrestling the main event, it all made perfect sense: they’d be some confusion, some mistake, some miscommunication to lose them the match and to sow seeds of discontent that would finally end in a big main event betrayal by… one of them… Nobody had worked that part out yet.
But they only bloody won it, mate! Translation: they won the titles. I said that line in Australian in honour of Aussie Open, the defeated champions. I know it will just look like gibberish to my non Australian readers, but I’m sure my Antipodean subscribers will appreciate it. The crowd got the Kangaroo Kick and the Double Clothesline and everyone went wild and everything was right with the world. It also confused the hell out of everyone: so what does that mean?? Who’s turning on who now in the main event?? Everyone initially thought MJF, because obviously, he’s MJ-freaking-F and he’s turned on every partner he’s ever had. But then people started seeing little Easter egg clues – the stabbing in the back gesture! The allusions to Austin at Mania 17! – that convinced people that AEW were going to shock everyone by having lovely Adam Cole (bay bay) turn on MJF. But then… what if we were supposed to notice these red herrings, and it was all done to convince us of the implausibility that MJF would somehow be the good guy?? So we convinced ourselves that MJF would turn. Maybe…
The match is pure soap opera conducted by two of the best wrestlers in the world, and the crowd were eating out of each of their sweaty hands. It was a proper main event match played out by two undeniably main event talents, and one not so precious/paranoid about its status to not throw in comedy spots, knowing that they wouldn’t take away from how the match is received. The crowd were so tuned into the match and ready eat up every piece of magic they were tossed, that they didn’t mind ignoring the nonsensical nature of the brilliant spots. That part where both wrestlers are trying to ross a chair to the other in order to fool the referee into thinking they’d been illegally using it, was hilarious, and I don’t remember ever seeing a spot like it before. But… Adam, mate, you’ve just argued that you want five more minutes, now you’re trying to win by disqualification?? Are you then going to ask gor another five minutes? How long are you planning of keeping this up? I just about convinced myself that earlier in the match Cole was too emotionally torn to simply drag MJF back into the ring to avoid winning by count out, but what is this?
Aside from my anality though, MJF v Cole deserves to be thought of as something of a classic, and absolutely fit the occasion. The whole event ending with two friends simply confirming their friendship was… pretty magical. And pretty brave. You’d like to think that there’d be a story following All In to match it, and I have the upmost confidence in Adam Cole (bay bay) and especially MJF to deliver. The latter largely based on the fact he’s delivered every single damn time so far. The task for AEW is to make the rest of their product as good as the MJF segments. They have a completely new slate now: this huge show is done, CM Punk is out of the picture, they’re able to concentrate fully on making the best product possible with nothing on the horizon or poisoning the locker rooms. Don’t mess it up, please.
Final Thoughts & Awards
My final thought is that the show kicked ass, and long may AEW continue to put on amazing PPVs to make everyone forget how crap their TV too often is these days. Sorry, but I really need to get this finished Here are the awards!
Match of the Night
I was planning to say this even before it gained historical significance, so CM Punk vs Samoa Joe. Yeah, that’s right, screw the haters. Listen, they came for 2Pac, they came for Princess Di, now they’ve come for Punk. You keep hatin’, because next they coming for you my friend.
Boy of the Night
[a difficult concept to explain. Put most basically, one cannot be a ‘Boy’ if one has ever won a world title in any major organisation]
Orange Cassidy, because I’m sure there won’t be that many more ocassions where he could qualify.
Cunt of the Night
Listen, I didn’t think of these awards. I just wholeheartedly support them.
One one hand you’ve obviously got Issa, who turned up to Wembley Stadium basically carrying a bag so big you’d assume he was camping in Antarctica for eight months, and while he was sorting that out we missed Jeff Jarrett against Gredo.
On the other hand, you have CM Punk. I’m sad he’s gone, maybe you’re sad he’s gone. Maybe you believe that his generational talent gives him leeway for a few (dozen) mistakes. But we can surely agree on one thing: guy’s clearly a cunt.
So I weighed these two options up, and decided to give the Cunt of the Night award to Billy Gunn. Guy’s, I really hate Billy Gunn.
MVP
MVP=MJF. The man near singlehandedly grew the excitement for the main event of the biggest wrestling event ever, and worked 80’000 fans with the ease that he does 800. Generational.
Fuck me! I’ve finished! Seven thousand words, my whole weekend gone, but at least I’ve ensured my animal sex appeal is through the roof!
Necessary Evil 
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