31 Carly Rae Jaap Stam: E•MO•TION Side B

carly

In 1974 Al Pacino gave one of the all time best cinema performances in ‘Godfather Part II’, exhibiting a subtly and nuance that would later desert him, and managing to captivate the audience to such an extent few even noticed the film lasted 200 freaking minutes. the Oscar for best actor was never in doubt

+43

Unfortunately, The Academy- a retirement home for aged white former cinematic plantation owners who compensate for their loss of bowel control by annually celebrating their favourite shit- was having one of those years where they decide to become completely (instead of generally) impervious to actual quality in the face of unbearable tweeness and overwhelming schmaltz, and awarded the best actor Oscar to Art Carney for ‘Harry and Tonto’, a film about an old man and a fucking cat

-1

The Academy soon realised they’d made a mistake though, it soon became apparent that they’d ignored an historic and legendary performance in favour of a disposable piece of nonsense that everybody had already forgotten about. They owed Al Pacino an Oscar

+12

A chance to repay the debt finally came in 1992, when Al Pacino was nominated for spending 156 minutes <really?? Fuck me, that film’s unforgivably long- Ed> screaming ‘HOO-HAH!’ and shouting over every other cast member in ‘Scent of a Woman’. The Academy realised that it was an atrociously unsubtle and vulgar performance, but they knew that they owed Pacino an Oscar, so thought they’d award him this time to silence the critics

+32

Al Pacino read the award as vindication for his shouty and ridiculously excessive performance, and so elected to act that way for the rest of his career

-2

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Unfortunately, in 1992 there was another historic and career making performance perhaps equal to Pacino’s in ‘God Pt.2’: Denzel Washington was absolutely electric as ‘Malcolm X’, and him not winning was an absolute travesry. The Academy came to realise this, and they now knew that they owed Denzel Washington an Oscar

+21

And so Denzel was awarded an Oscar in 2001, despite Chris Barrie’s performance as the butler Hillary in ‘Lara Croft: Tomb Raider’ being unanimously considered the year’s- nay, decade’s- best. Someone is always owed

+32

emotion.jpg

In the same sense, ‘Emotion Side B’ is absolutely not the 31st best album of 2016, but I feel like I owe her this high placing

+12

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I mean, it’s a collection of b-sides from her last album, how good do you really expect it to be?

-3

Of course, ‘Emotion’ was such a pristine pop masterpiece that the tracks that were some how not quite magnificent to deserve inclusion are still fricking amazing on occasion

+21

Even Carly’s rejects make up a considerably better pop album than Tegan & Sara, Sleigh Bells and The 1975, for instance

+13

The brilliance of her previous album is the reason her latest release is placed so undeservedly high: while the placing of 23rd in the 2015 Necessary Evil was probably just about deserved, but when I named the Legit Boss tracks of the year, I made a shameful lapse of judgement

-6

Run Away With Me was unquestionably the best song of 2016, but I was infected with a strange case of self-consciousness when I made the list, and claimed Lupe Fiasco’s Deliver was 2015’s best song because I felt that would make me look cool, with Ms Jepson’s glorious effort relegated to shameful bronze

-3

So this is my apology, maybe next year I’ll have to award the NE prize to a Frightened Rabbit or Mitski B-side collection in penitence for their placing here, but I regret nothing: I freaking love Carly

+21

carly

 

Metacritic: +80

Holy Shit!

Length: 27 minutes +19

Number of AMAZING songs: 0

…But Are All the Rest of the Songs Kinda Amazing Anyway?

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, go Carly, go Carly, go Carly…

+40

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total: 340

https://www.carlyraemusic.com/store

There’s a song called Store on this record, this muddied the Googling

3 thoughts on “31 Carly Rae Jaap Stam: E•MO•TION Side B

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